The Bestest Besty Best Predictions for 2013

Silly ProphetMove away 2012 you ugly, wizened and grizzled year! Make room for the youthful, invigorating and ravishing 2013!

We gave you your shot, ’12 and you totally blew it! World peace? You were just one additional gory belligerent year. The end of famine in the world? One out of seven people is still hungry. Technological breakthrough? iPhone 5 is too much alike iPhone 4. Less crime perhaps? Violent crime rate rose for the first time in 20 years.

You stink ’12! Leave! Scram! Shoo! Alright ’13, the previous damn year has left you a bit mangled springboard, but you can still do it! We believe in you! Okay, maybe “believe” is too strong word… but we absolutely… crave? Long? Yearn? Hanker? Lost in a reverie?

It seems that everybody these days attempt to forecast what would be the significant trends and drifts in 2013. All the experts from the BBC, TIME or the Washington Post have tried… so why wouldn’t I try it as well? But alas! Unlike the “experts,” I’m just a worldly mundane blogger! So I think I’ll stick to the more down-to-earth realistic predictions…

Here are my incredibly levelheaded tech prophecies for 2013:

More pitiable people would try to be funny on Twitter through corny platitudes.

Someone would upload some silly video to YouTube and we all gonna watch it incessantly.

Facebook would add another zillion or something users. Even though there are other popular social networks, they will just remain in Zuck’s socially disoriented shade.

Someone would sparkle the debate of old media vs. new media, while only people from the media will care about it.

Apple would sell shitloads of iPhones and iPads and other i’s.

Michael Arrington would get fired from TechCrunch. And then would get rehired. And then would blog about it. And then we’ll die.

Google would kick the shit out of all other search engines. Sorry Bing, I really appreciate your resolution but “google” is already a freaking verb!

Anti-piracy organizations like the MPAA and the RIAA would threaten the whole world. Torrent downloads would break all records.

Perez Hilton won’t receive a Pulitzer Prize.

Yahoo would keep decaying but somehow it’ll remain one of the most popular Internet companies forever.

Mashable would publish a blog post such as “69 Ways to Make your Smartphone a Vibrator.”

Someone would expose a privacy security breach on a major website and the web will be filled with doomsday prognosis reports. Shockingly, we’ll survive.

Aol would acquire another blog.

Newspaper companies would bitch nobody is buying newspapers anymore, and would profit billions from their websites.

Myspace would perish. Myspace would reborn. Justin Timberlake would proclaim to reinvent consumption of music online.

One company would purchase another company for billions and everyone just won’t shut up about it.

Gawker would divulge a juicy gossip tale as any other publication will decry it, but secretly will envy Gawker’s traffic.

A man and a woman would get married and it’ll be dubbed “Wedding of the Year.” The man and the woman will get divorced.

Some dimwit blogger would try to predict what will happen in 2014.