It seems that some things simply don’t change … Einstein is still so irritatingly right, tumult in the Middle East is still so horribly rampant (fuck you, Bashar!) and even though we might consume them differently, books are still so awesome!
It seems that some things simply don’t change … the same d-bags still plunder consumers with their unruly pyramid schemes … pyramid schemes such as Empower Network.
After I pwnd Empower Netcult’s top marauders Vick Strizheus and Tony Rush I wanted to focus more on the enormities of the pyramid’s oafish founders David Wood & David Sharpe. However, recent unfortunate mainstream media blunders have led me to another EN brigand … Tracey Walker.
Funny (/morbid) thing about pyramid schemes … almost all the cash always floats to the top, so that the fistful of gorged gluttons can sustain their profligate lives off the hard work of others. Tracey Walker is this special kind of victim muncher.
Although nobody really knows what on seven hells Tracey Walker is exactly doing on the internet (because her websites generate almost no traffic), every month she’s right there on the EN’s leaderboard collecting those big checks. Thank you fake 100% commissions pass up system, Tracey couldn’t have done it without you!
But obviously EN’s top douchebaghood can’t let the sheeple realize that Tracey is just an invisible gravitational nothingness so they all refer to her as a badass marketing expert … because they are all just a bunch of kowtowing cowering sniveling lying wussies.
Here are some of Tracey’s professional milestones:
- Tracey was fired from her job in 2002 and was sooooo happy about it!
- Somewhere in between 2005 to 2006, Tracey had the awesomest real estate business ever until it suddenly became the lousiest real estate business ever and she lost her entire ass(ets).
- In 2007, Tracey joined the network marketing industry and for a few years she reigned supreme as the unofficial Queen of Failuredom.
- Along the network marketing highway to hell, Tracey hitched herself to Daegan Smith (nice reviews about him here and here) from whom she apparently learned that in order to succeed in the “industry” she needs to fake it till she makes it.
- Tracey joined the flopportunity My Lead System Pro (where she presumably met David Wood) and was super-duper successful until she lost all of her belongings (again), including her house.
- Tracey abetted Dave and Dave to launch Empower Network whilst she (finally) scaled her way to the top of the pyramid.
Job loss, unemployment, couple of cases of insolvency, dubious mentors … triumph! Anybody who would deign to vet Tracey for five minutes would discover that she could even barely qualify for the Razzies.
But the media is, per usual, oblivious and uncaring. Why should traditional media outlets conduct thorough, time consuming, background checks into the figures they promote if everyone can just Botox smile into the camera, filling yet another cakey segment in between meat and potato commercials?
Thank you ABC for helping the evil to wax eviler and for the indigent to wane indigenter!
Even though this poster girl for ruinous pyramid schemes never marketed anything effectively in her entire life, ABC7 Chicago still insisted on referring to Tracey Walker as a “marketing expert” … and asked her how the simple Everyman can legitimately build a la la land prosperous online business- the likes of which she never had.
According to Tracey, the ordinary Dick & Jane need to spend $5,000 on average before becoming a forever online success story. On what precisely should they squander their limited funds? Well boys and girl … it’s all pretty mystical. However, quite coincidentally, that’s roughly the cost for Empower Network’s “All In” bullcrap (not including the circa $150 a month thereafter).
Oh but please Ms. Walker, pretend for a moment that you are not just a swindling poser and reveal to us the enigmatic secrets in attaining all those magnificent internet monies in 5 fabulous, fabricated, fraudulent steps.
Step 1: Decide if you really desire to be your own boss
That’s a tricky step! I mean … you must have this staunch passion for doing whatever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want, wherever the fuck you want. Some people might drop off after this stage but the rest of you 99.9999999% are ready for the next step. Oh and prepare $5,000.
Step 2: Find a mentor in the area of online business you are interested in building
If you are thinking that you are sufficiently smart and unique enough to attempt your own ventures by yourself then you are a) miserably wrong b) sadly mistaken and c) most definitely stupid. “You” “need” a “mentor.” Didn’t you know that Mark Zuckerberg was an ingenious ingenue under the tutelage of Steve Jobs and that Larry & Sergey were downline of Arianna Huffington?
And if you don’t know under which rock to search for this elusive master … then Tracey’s a great expert, right? [Fake childish laughter]
Step 3: Do as instructed by mentor: Follow directions!
The world doesn’t need any more revolutionary innovations! What our planet so desperately cries out for is more spammy emails and false testimonials on web pages with affiliate links! And if your “mentor” urges you to get all in or else you’ll be ridiculed as a wussy, it’s so not a psychotic cult manipulation tactic to pillage your already broke ass! Your mentor totally has a soul!
Step 4: Construct feasible game-plan for success
Just realistically imagine that you are cruising aboard a luxurious yacht, rubbing suntan snake oil into the bronzed shoulders of the super-rich, making shitloads of passive income and not paying up outrageous fees to a flagrant fraud. Oh wait, maybe you shouldn’t do all that “thinking” …
Step 5: Repeat until results are achieved
Do you remember how last month you could barely pay all your bills, how you ate cat food for dinner and how you only allowed yourself to flush the toilet after every three shits? Yeah, then no … start flushing. Tracey says that if you keep giving her your money “eventually you’ll get there” … unlike the 97% of Empower Network’s members who never have and never will.
And Tracey Walker knows what she’s talking about because she is sooo totally a real marketing expert … and Empower Network is so not a pyramid scheme.