The World’s Fastest Bullshitter

Howard Stephen Berg is CrazyLeonard Coldwell so desperately wants to be Kevin Trudeau. Every night he kisses Trudeau’s picture which he hides under his pillow … he lustfully watches reruns of KT’s infomercials while blood rushes downstream … and while Lenny unsolicitedly gropes susceptible young girls, he still only fantasizes about Kev-Kev.

… Supposedly.

How else can you explain that all the while that Kevin has been battling in court, Lenny kept on spewing similar anti-government exclamations, charged absurd sums for resembling valueless products and even established a cult analogous to Trudeau’s GIN, that worships him like a god?

But fake-Doctor Lenny didn’t only steal malicious ideas and baleful inspiration from Trudeau … that wouldn’t have been enough for an aspiring criminal such as Lenny, oh no! He also sought to conspire with the same morally bent accomplices as well.

One of them is that stupid thing which answers to the name Howard Stephen Berg (great job as usual, Fox News!) …

Howard Berg has been profiting from his unfounded speed reading poppycock for a long time, from back in the day when groovy people with puffy hair made some awesomely funky music and when being a communist was still considered nifty.

And even though his claims on dubious infomercials were never truly verified (maybe because people were completely entrenched in the ongoing saga of Brendon and Brenda Walsh), in the 1990 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records he was acknowledged as the fastest reader in the world, allegedly capable of reading 25,000 words per minute.

However, educated, academic folk in the know such as Professor Cunningham from UC Berkeley who have actually researched the topic concluded that it’s virtually impossible to read over 10,000 words per minute and still understand what the hell you are reading. In fact, the (real) record for speed reading had been set by a nice lady named Anne Jones, at the rate of 4,251 words per minute.

But hey … although Howard Berg’s assertions completely contradict any proven methodical doctrine (screw you, science!), I’m sure he’s not lying … because people aren’t supposed to lie.

For Kevin Trudeau though, facts or verities are just moral speed bumps on the way to the nearest Bentley dealership … and since the early 90’s the two charlatans have been cooperating in variety of shady ventures including TV infomercials, books and public appearances.

Here’s one typical satisfied customer reviewing the methodology that is taught in their co-published book:

I can sum up the method in three words: Practice reading faster. That’s it. It takes six audiocassettes and one video to teach you that. I’m serious. That’s the main secret. Of course, they go on and on (and waste time) talking about preparing and prereading and everything else you can get from a basic book on speed reading you can buy for $10 and not have to listen to …

In 1998, even the FTC was surfeited with Howard’s misleading mumbo jumbo and he was ordered to stop spreading his manipulative piffle … especially the disgustingly exploitative blatantly misguiding lie that he could increase the reading levels and comprehension skills of children and disabled individuals significantly.

Those are not the kind of inadvertent slip of the tongue proclamations from some clumsy weirdo, but the the deliberate lies of an unconscionable demoniac- spewed forth in order to reel in more vulnerable followers … the same sort of vile lies that Kevin Trudeau so adores. And so, the devious collaboration presses on.

But as Trudeau keeps on embroiling himself with the law, fake-healer Coldwell keeps on pretending that he didn’t know that his old BFF was a felon all along … and joins (evil) forces with one familiar demented crook (in all caps) …

MAKE EXTRA MONEY IN A FOOLPROOF HOME-BASED BUSINESS WITH CELEBRITY GENIUS, MILLIONAIRE, AND GUINNESS WORLD RECORD SPEED READER HOWARD STEPHEN BERG

Did you hear that, zealous lackeys? Howard will show you how to build your own totally tangible “foolproof” business while mythical nymphs will generously bestow upon you free lap dances and The Wire will return for another season. Leaving one to ponder the notion that Howard is as qualified to offer recommendations on how to forge a successful business as Omar Little is to offer counsel on how to maintain a long term heterosexual relationship.

The new fatsos partnership didn’t end with a mere barrage of unrelenting social media spam, but it also droned on witlessly in Coldwell’s new imbecile radio show, which he copied from his L’Amour caché Trudeau (listening is not recommended for anyone who cares about his/her sanity or just for homo sapiens in general) …

Every day, before he brushes his fangs, Leonard Coldwell gazes lecherously upon the portrait of his homoeroticized hero and growls to himself “THE NAME IS TRUDEAU, KEVIN TRUDEAU.” In the meantime, he’s just scratching Trudeau’s moldering leftovers.

All that incoherent discourse reminded me a joke: What’s crazier than two delusional shrivelling creepy geezers? One perilous poser who pretends to be a doctor and abuses his fake authority to fumble young girls! Did you laugh? Good, me neither.