Retiring Again (Shhh!! Don’t Tell the FTC)

Frank Kern SwindlesRetirement … the splendid day when the laborious laborers unlabor themselves from labor.

For most folks retirement is merely the next logical step in their lives after years of employment. The reasons for retiring are varied: a desire to spend more time with loved ones, reaching this golden age which makes it difficult to work, getting fired or even in some unfortunate occasions, dying.

But sometimes, oh sometimes, the cause of one’s retirement is very much different …

Frank Kern likes this idea of retirement. Oh yes, dear netizens, he adores it. In fact, Frank cherishes retirement so goddamn much that he had already done it more than a few times. It’s kinda like a second hobby for him, he relishes it almost as swindling old grandmas and stuff (but just almost!).

Just in the past few week Frank has decided to (re)retire from the fake Internet Marketing scene and to focus on the fake personal coaching of brick and mortar business owners. You’re so lucky right now you offline business fortunate bastards, you could just enter Frank’s website and allow him to quadruple your business … for free!

Frank Kern Quadruple Your Losses

Frank could be your own private dedicated coach and he won’t rest for one stinkin’ moment until he will quadruple all of your losses, for gratis! And he would execute all this marvelous business development for you while he’s sitting on his comfy retirement recliner!

I suppose that Frank plainly got tired now from tarnishing the web with his recent Kajabi promotion crap and determined that he needs to pollute the outside world as well …

But that was hardly the first time you retired, did you Frank? In 2012, after the whole galaxy sneered and scoffed at his stupid mug on Scamworld, Frank declared he quits the info-marketing industry because “it’s not that cool.” Yep, things tend to be uncool when your scammy motherfucking ass is being publicly whipped.

In 2010, two years before, the douchebag extraordinaire had trumpeted another familiar avowal: “Frank Kern Has Retired From Teaching Internet Marketing And Now Only Accepts Private Clients And Platinum Members,” said the heartbreaking announcement on his websites.

So why and how Frank Kern became such a devoted retiring addict?

The answers probably reside somewhere in 2006, when Frank first tasted the bitter-sweet (mostly bitter) savor of “retirement,” or how the FTC likes to call it “legal action against a fucking Internet scammer that feigns to be a not-cocksucker” (or something).

Some of the settlement terms of the FTC vs. Irwin F. Kern IV case (PDF) are pretty fascinating … and by fascinating I mean shit that Frank Kern is prohibited to do:

  • Prohibition against false or misleading statements.
  • Injunction against promoting a chain marketing scheme.
  • Injunction against providing others with the means and instrumentalities to violate section 5 of the FTC act [Unfair or Deceptive Acts or Practices].

Oh the sweet retirement … or as Frank usually refers to it … “Fleeing.”

  • mitch

    The writer of this article is actually a huge piece of shit

    • DasCentralScrutinizer

      Frank, is that you?

  • cryo Mason

    Hmm… wonder he didn’t reply my email.