Why China Really Hacked the Times: It is Too Awfully Boring

Chinese Sleeping

No one can deny that the Chinese are super-pissed at the New York Times since that dreary October day in 2012, when the Times exposed how the family of China’s prime minister Wen Jiabao has clandestinely heaped shitload of capitalistic wealth. Apparently, Communists abhor nepotism and turpitude just as anybody else.

But the Times’s fellows hadn’t been sated just with that so they have posted the story in Chinese as well, enfolded by a big “screw you Communist Party of China” wrapping. So yeah, the Chinese have been pretty fumed at the Times.

Now, a new report of the Times divulges that the publication had been under a cyber-attack for 4 months following that Jiabao’s Depravity for Dummies article, pointing a reproaching finger at China. But the real reason why the Chinese had digitally forayed the Times is not related to the great ignominy the story had hurtled at them.

It is simply because the New York Times is just too goddamn boring.

Person Dosing OffDon’t get me wrong here, the Times is doing incredible inimitably journalistic work but it’s just too fucking tedious! Just try to read their cyber-attack report entirely all at once… how difficult is that! I literally had to grip my eyelids open just to finish the whole thing. Napping never seemed as so dearly sweet as during those onerous moments of reading.

C’mon Times! You can do so much better! Just halt being so pretentiously official all the time! Don’t you get it? Young people h-a-t-e you! Once the baby-boomers are gone, you’re fucked! NO ONE would read those dull words you plaster together, no matter how journalistically excellent your materials are! All those Pulitzer Prizes you have amassed are really terrific but they won’t bestow you the youth love.

I know, I know that a serious reflective stylish makeover is hard so here are a few suggestions you can begin running wild with:

  • Add interesting photos and videos. I don’t mean those drab media contents you got used to attach to your articles, but rather things that are more polemical and controversial or even luscious God forbid.
  • The sky won’t implode if you mention words like “shit” or “fuck” occasionally. People are using those sorts of words ALL THE TIME and not wielding them out of principle just makes you appear as self-righteous prudes.
  • You would be shocked how sarcasm can sometimes deliver a point better than a stale straightforward statement.
  • I’m sure there are many comical persons among you, so why don’t you break the wall of boredom with some jest or even a quip from time to time.
  • Any article which profiles a couple of pampered brats or an article that describes how spouses ridiculously nickname each other should be forever annihilated and erased from the human memory for eternity.
  • Unless you are saying it cynically, there is no excuse referring to each individual as Mr. or Ms.

Through its cyber-attacks, China clearly demands from the Times to be further amusing because it can’t bear the weariness anymore. Honestly, so are we.

Chinese Girl Asleep

Another Satisfied Costumer of the New York Times